


Don't Say Goodbye

by Mnojick



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:42:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21525781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mnojick/pseuds/Mnojick





	Don't Say Goodbye

### Overdue Conversations

John froze at Sherlock's plea as he was about to get up from bed. He glanced down at the shock of hair where Sherlock kept his face hidden in the pillow and stroked the messed up curls gently.

"I will just go to the bathroom and then get us something for dinner. I thought some sandwiches and your favourite biscuits. I will bring them here and we can eat in bed and cuddle some more, alright?"

Sherlock didn't reply but the hand that had held onto John's arm dropped to the mattress and John took this as agreement as he got up.

"I won't be long," he promised as he threw Sherlock's dressing gown over and hurried to the bathroom.

John used the toilet and cleaned himself up with a wet flannel before his eyes met his reflection in the mirror and he frowned. Something was wrong. He had had the same feeling numerous times over the last few months but today it had intensified. Sherlock's desperate plea for John to stay was only the latest piece of a puzzle John didn't know he wanted to see solved. They certainly needed to talk. Maybe it was nothing and John was just making mountains out of molehills but something told him that this wasn't the case.

"Dinner first!" John decided and straightened to his full height before he marched into the kitchen. The kettle was switched on right away and John decided to make some simple ham and cheese sandwiches to go with the tea. He had just put the finishing touches to their plate and waited for the tea to be brewed when a desperate ping from the living-room announced that the battery of Sherlock's laptop was about to die.

John sighed quietly and moved to safe whatever valuable data Sherlock had on his laptop to prevent an epic sulk if he hadn't saved his findings. When John connected the device to the charging cable its screen flickered back on and dinner was forgotten as he took a look at the open document. He usually didn't snoop through Sherlock's things - like his lover did - but the title of the paper had caught his attention.

Activities to do with John before it's too late

Too late for what? John frowned as he read through Sherlock's list. The activities on top of it had a check next to them and John remembered all of them. There was no way he would ever forget the ice-skating or their visit to a dance. It made sense that Sherlock had planned all these dates so carefully and John wouldn't have thought much of it if it hadn't been for the confusing headline. Because certainly they could still go to the zoo when they were old and grey, right?! Hell even if one of them were to get seriously injured and handicapped thanks to an accident they could do most of these things. He scrolled further down the list until he came to one point on the list that included lots of subitems.

-Cottage:  
-Bought (check)  
-Specialists hired for renovations (check)  
-Renovations to be finished in a month

It wasn't the revelation that Sherlock had bought a cottage that shocked John the most but the little footnote at the end of the page: Not enough time left to visit the finished cottage with John.

The words hit him like a fist to the stomach. Not enough time left... certainly that didn't mean... it couldn't mean...

John gasped for breath as all the pieces finally came together to paint a dark picture. Sherlock's sudden interest in going out on dates, the increased frequency of his dark moods, his plea for John to make love to him... Sherlock was dying.

"Please God, no!"

John bit down hard on his trembling fist to prevent himself from breaking down completely although it felt like someone had just ripped the world out from under his feet. Here he had believed that he might need to convince his lover to see a therapist to treat his depression and now...

"No wonder that he is depressed when he doesn't even have a month to live anymore."

A sob was torn from John's throat at the thought. He didn't want to believe that this was true and that he would lose Sherlock... again. But there really was no other explanation for the list and why his lover believed that he didn't have much time left, was there?

The doctor in him wanted to figure out what his lover was suffering from but the other part of John didn't care. Oh, of course he cared what illness was slowly killing Sherlock but not in the way a doctor cared about his patient. He was certain that his lover had had access to every specialist that Mycroft could get his hands on and if they hadn't been able to cure his lover then John didn't stand a chance. No, Sherlock didn't need another doctor. He needed John as his partner and...

God, it was horrible!

John breathed against the burning pain in his chest as a lump threatened to clog up his airways. He had survived Sherlock's death once but he didn't know if he could do it again. The mere thought of watching his lover die and then burying him - again - was almost too much for John to endure.

While he had planned a marriage proposal Sherlock had been dying a little more each day. John felt like a complete jerk. It didn't help that the rational part of his mind was telling him that he couldn't have known better because Sherlock hadn't told him. He wasn't surprised that his lover had tried to endure everything on his own. John would probably have done the same in this situation. Only Sherlock would have deduced that John was dying in a matter of days.  
A weak smile tore at his lips as a tear slid down his cheek.

He had to tell Sherlock that he knew and then they needed to decide how to spend their last weeks together. John wasn't sure how he was going to endure this torture but he wouldn't leave Sherlock's side until his last breath.

Taking a shaking inhale John wiped his wet eyes with the back of his hand and then hurried upstairs to his old room. There was no use in waiting any longer when time was running out. John would make sure that Sherlock knew exactly how much he meant to him in the short amount of time they had left together.

OOO

John was up in his room.

Sherlock rolled onto his back at the realisation and stared up at the ceiling. What was John doing up there? He had only wanted to make them dinner and them come back to bed - back to him.

There was nothing of importance in the room upstairs anymore. They mostly used it for storage these days. Sherlock only ventured upstairs when he needed to find an old file or when they went away on a trip and he had to get their suitcases...

Suitcases, of course. John needed them when he wanted to move out. Sherlock swallowed against the bile that rose up in his throat. So it was even worse than Sherlock had feared at first. John wasn't only about to break up with him but he was prepared to leave Baker Street right away. Tears trickled down his cheeks as the idea of a life without John twisted his insides. He had believed he was prepared for it but...

"Sherlock," John entered the room with two mugs of tea in his hands and placed one on the nightstand before he sat down on the bed with the other, "we need to talk."

Sherlock flinched at the words. He had imagined this scene numerous times but he wasn't ready to live through it just yet. But there was no way to flee from it either so Sherlock opted to sit up and stare down at the covers in his lap instead of meeting John's eyes. He didn't want to see the careful arranged expression of sympathy that John always wore when he had to deliver bad news to a patient.

"I found the list on your laptop."

Sherlock frowned at that opening. He wasn't surprised that John had found the list - the password function on his laptop had been disabled for months - but rather that he thought it important enough to mention. Certainly John wouldn't reproach him for wanting to go on these dates.

"Why didn't you tell me? No wait," John added a second later when Sherlock was just about to reply, "I think I know why you didn't tell me but... I would have liked to know anyway."

The frown on Sherlock's forehead deepened. He was used to John spurting nonsense occasionally but Sherlock couldn't even guess on what he was talking about this time. "You aren't making much sense, John."

A bitter laugh fell from his lover's lips but Sherlock still refused to look up as he waited for John to get on with it. There was no way Sherlock could endure this conversation much longer without breaking down when he knew exactly where it was leading in the end.

"How much time do you still have left? I mean I get that it's less than a month but... God."

Sherlock's gaze snapped up at the broken sob that emerged from John and he was shocked to see tears streaming down his lover's face. Was this breakup so hard for John that he was the one who needed to cry or...

"Maybe you should look closer at the actual evidence instead of trying to fit it to your theory!"

Sherlock didn't reply to the annoyed statement made by the Mycroft in his Mind Palace but he still headed the advice and recalled John's words. It still didn't make any sense whatsoever. "What do you mean by how much time have I still left?"

Another desperate sob shook John's whole body and Sherlock yearned to hug him close and comfort him but he didn't know if it would be the right thing to do. Not when he wasn't even sure anymore what they were even talking about.

"Do I have to spell it out?" John's gaze was an endless abyss of pain as he met Sherlock's. "How long until you die?"

Sherlock opened his mouth to reply and then closed it again with a snap in confusion. "Die?" Sherlock echoed in disbelief. What was John on about? Had he fallen in a parallel universe without noticing it. If this was the case and he had to die in this alternate reality but was to keep John till his death then Sherlock would gladly make the exchange. A large part of him doubted that this was what was going on here though.

"I am not dying," Sherlock stated as calmly as possible but it didn't seem to convince John as he spilled most of the tea when he placed his mug onto the floor and then reached for Sherlock with trembling hands.

"You don't have to pretend any longer." John's hands enfolded Sherlock's larger ones. "I told you I read the list. Why else would you believe that you had only so little time to go on dates with me if you weren't dying?"

"Because you are going to leave me!"

OOO

"What?"

John stared at Sherlock in disbelief as his outburst registered in his mind. There were only a handful of explanation for such a statement. Sherlock's brain could be affected by whatever disease he had and John couldn't expect him to make sense anymore. The idea scared John the most especially as it was the one that was the most logical. Somehow he doubted that he was only having a nightmare or that he had missed an essential part of their conversation. Maybe though - and John clung to that possibility - they had fallen victim to a huge misunderstanding and no one was going to die or leave. Although John just couldn't see yet how Sherlock had come to the conclusion that he would leave him.

"Why should I leave you?"

Sherlock had the nerve to snort at that although he looked like he was going to start crying himself soon. "Don't be obtuse, John. You want to have a family, a wife and children. Of course you are going to leave me. I thought that you already found yourself a girlfriend but," Sherlock averted his eyes, "I was obviously wrong if you aren't planning on leaving me yet."

"What?"

John felt like a broken recorder as he repeated his earlier question again. He didn't even know which part of Sherlock's confusing speech to address first. His mind took the decision from him in the end. "You really believe that I would cheat on you with a girlfriend I have on the side?"

"Of course not. You wouldn't let anything happen between you before you hadn't broken up with me."

"Thanks, I guess."

At least Sherlock didn't believe that John would cheat on him but that didn't make his ideas sound any less crazy. Maybe something was really eating away at his brain and this was the strategy of Sherlock's mind to avoid having to face this reality. God, John hoped not. It was preferable for his lover to have the illusion that John would leave him for someone else than to actually be dying.

"Why do you believe that I want to have children with a woman?" John certainly hadn't said anything like this to Sherlock. So if he started to go on about how John had told him about wanting a family then he would knew that Sherlock wasn't in his right mind.

"You said so yourself."

John's heart sank as the tiny hope that this was all just a big misunderstanding and Sherlock wasn't terminal died.

"We were at a crime scene - the one that was actually an accident - and you told the neighbour of the victim that you wanted to have children but hadn't met the right woman yet."

John blinked. The words and the described scene sounded familiar. It took John a while but then he recalled the terrible accident with the attempted changing of a lightning bulb and how he had been robbed into small talk with a witness. John hadn't noticed that Sherlock had overheard their conversation but that didn't have to mean anything as his lover could be as quiet as a mouse if he wanted to. The seed of hope took root in John's heart again and he allowed it to bloom as he reached out with one hand for Sherlock's face and stroked his cheek.

"Look at me," he begged and sad blue eyes met his own. It tore at John's heart to see Sherlock look so defeated. He still didn't understand how he had managed to convince himself that John would ever leave him for a woman and children but he hoped that he could somehow take that fear away. "I don't want to have children and I certainly don't intent to exchange you for a woman. Yes," John hurried to continue before Sherlock could interrupt him, "I imagined myself with a little family once but that was years ago. I realised that such a life wasn't for me when I joined the military. I am not the type to be a father and even if I had still dreamed about having children one day... I will always want you more than some potential reality without you in it." A tiny spark of hope grew in Sherlock's eyes and John forced himself to continue although it almost made him tear up again. "When I believed that you were dying I," John inhaled strongly, "was sure that I wouldn't survive losing you... again. I can't imagine life without you anymore and I don't want to."

When no words were forthcoming from Sherlock, John reached into the pocket of the dressing gown and retrieved the jewellery case he had brought with him from upstairs. This wasn't how he had imagined this to go but at least it looked like no one was going to die anytime soon.  
He popped the lid of the case open and held it out for Sherlock to look at.

OOO

These were rings. Wedding rings!

Sherlock could only stare at the simple bands of silver as his mind tried to work through everything that had happened. The most amazing development wasn't that John had believed that Sherlock was terminal - actually a sound deduction with the evidence that his lover had had at hand- but that John didn't intend to leave him. Not for children or a woman and - from the looks of it - not ever.

He swallowed against the lump in his throat as he reached for one of the rings to inspect it. The surface was smooth and shiny without any unnecessary decorations but it was wide enough to add an engraving if they so desired.

An engraving, of course!

Sherlock smacked himself mentally as everything started to make sense. If John hadn't found himself a new girlfriend - and Sherlock believed him - then the only logical explanation for his secretiveness was this. He had looked for a jeweller on his phone who could engrave the rings because John was a hopeless romantic. Sherlock almost laughed out loud in joy but doubt held him back. Not the same doubt that had dictated his actions for the last few months but doubt as to why Sherlock hadn't seen sooner that John didn't plan on leaving him.

"Because you saw what your insecurities made you see. Really, Sherlock it's not so hard to figure out." Mycroft's voice in his Mind Palace sounded kinder than it had in all this time and Sherlock suddenly understood why. During the last few months the Mycroft he kept in his Mind Palace had represented Sherlock's own insecurities and self-doubt. He hadn't been able to face them head on so his mind had sent his brother ahead to deliver them all to Sherlock.  
How cowardly, Sherlock thought in a mixture of shame and self-hatred even as another realisation hit him: the fear of John leaving him had been there from the start. Somehow Sherlock had just managed to suppress it so well for two years that it had only registered in his mind in abstract dreams. The overheard conversation had merely been the catalyst to set all his fears loose.

Sherlock shuddered in self-disgust and then glanced towards John. His beautiful John whose eyes were puffy and bloodshot because of Sherlock's own stupidity and who was still looking at him with love.

"I am sorry... that I doubted you. I shouldn't have thought..."

"No," John interrupted him and held a finger to his lips, "I don't want you to apologize for that. It's okay to worry about such things but promise me to talk with me the next time you fear that I am going to leave you."

"Because you don't want to be forced to go out on stupid dates again?" It had been meant to come out as a joke but it fell flat as Sherlock couldn't keep the seriousness completely out of his voice. He had enjoyed all of their dates immensely but if John hadn't then...

"No, you idiot" John shook his head at him and a tiny smile even managed to turn his lips upwards, "I loved our dates and I would be happy to continue them. I just don't want to ever be in the position of believing that you are dying again."

Relief flooded Sherlock's system at John's honest words and his lips twitched upwards of their own accord. "In this case, I have a few more things planned for us."

"Perfect, I hope a wedding is one of them."

"A wedding?" Sherlock raised an eyebrow and almost chuckled when John gestured to the ring Sherlock still held in his hand.

"Yes, our wedding."

"I can't remember you proposing to me."

"Oh for Christ's sake!" John cursed but then caught himself midsentence and a thoughtful expression crossed his face. John took the ring back from Sherlock and put it into the case next to the other.

Before Sherlock got the chance to question his lover's motives and wonder if he had changed his mind though, John wiped his face on the covers and dropped to one knee next to the bed.  
"Will you, Sherlock Holmes, allow me to prove to you how much I love you for the rest of my life?"

New tears prickled in Sherlock's eyes and this time he let John see them fall as he smiled through them and gave the only possible answer to this question. "Yes."

The Consequences

"This was bloody brilliant, Sherlock."

John grinned up at his friend as he kicked off his boots when they finally stumbled into the flat. They had tried to find a serial killer for three days until Sherlock had figured out that not everything was as it had seemed.

"Please John," Sherlock rolled his eyes in mock annoyance although it became apparent by his satisfied expression that the praise was more than welcome. "A jealous husband who kills his wife and her lover and then makes it look like a serial killer is going around dismembering women. He had easy access to the body parts at the morgue he worked at and putting them in places where they would be found by someone was also child's play. If the staff at the morgue had been as competent as Molly then they would have noticed the missing body parts long ago." Sherlock shook his head in disappointment as he threw his coat over his armchair and wandered into the kitchen. "All in all the case was boring and if it hadn't been for one tiny part I would delete it right away."

There was a sudden gleam in Sherlock's eyes as he spoke the last words and John smirked slightly as he followed his friend into the kitchen. "You mean the part when I tackled our suspect to the ground and twisted his arm until he screamed?"

"Exactly," John followed the movement of Sherlock's tongue as it darted out to wet plush lips. "It was very... exciting to watch."

John couldn't say who moved first after this statement but it didn't matter as he finally got to claim his friend's lips for himself. Sherlock tasted of coffee and biscuits as John licked into his mouth and then sucked on his lower lip until his friend moaned into the kiss and then started an attack of his own.

If someone had told John that Sherlock was a great kisser he would have believed them but he would have never expected this. Sherlock wasn't only kissing John but taking him apart with every nip and lick of his skilled mouth until the arms of his friend were the only thing that kept John from falling to the floor as his legs felt like they were made of jelly.

Or maybe, an amused part of his mind remarked, it was because most of his blood had flowed south and he had craned his neck for the last ten minutes or so to compensate for their difference in height.

No matter though when a quiet "Bedroom?" was voiced in between kisses John still managed to get his legs to work as they both stumbled in the direction of Sherlock's room. No chance that they would make the stairs to his room without a painful accident. As it was, they only barely found their way onto the bed without knocking into the wardrobe or stumbling over the nightstand.

"This isn't too fast, right?" Sherlock broke their kiss as they rearranged their limbs to lie face to face. "I mean... I usually don't and... my experiences are limited..."

John interrupted his friend's insecure stuttering with a soft kiss and stroked his cheek. "It's all fine."

Their eyes locked and whatever Sherlock saw in his was enough to scatter his doubts as their lips found each other's again. The kiss moved from sweet and slow to passionate and desperate as hands were allowed to roam more freely in this position. Soon John found himself tucking impatiently at the tight shirt that covered too much of the skin he was dying to explore.

"And here I thought I was impatient." Sherlock chuckled as he rolled away from John and made fast work of his clothes.

Not sexy but efficient, John thought in amusement as a pair of socks flew across the room and followed his friend's example without a second thought. Finally after endless seconds they were both completely naked and John couldn't stop his eyes from taking in everything that Sherlock had to offer. From the dark, curly hair on his chest over the well-muscled torso and legs to the hard cock that stood at attention.

Unconsciously, John's tongue darted out to lick his lips and he smirked when he felt Sherlock's eyes tracing the movement. "You are gorgeous," John whispered honestly as he traced a finger over quivering pectoral muscles and then looked up to find the most beautiful blush gracing his lover's features. Either Sherlock had even less experience than John had been let to believe or he had never been with someone who wanted him for more than his body. Knowing his friend, the latter was very likely and would also explain why he was such a great kisser but appeared as shy as a young man with his first lover at times. John pushed the anger and sadness that this thought brought aside and claimed the inviting lips of his friend in a long and deep kiss. John poured all of his feelings into it as he pushed Sherlock back into the pillows and straddled him as he leaned over him.

"What do you want to do?"

Wide blown - and slightly glassy - eyes looked up at John as if the question was too complicated to comprehend before they regained some of their usual sharpness and roamed over John's body. Warm fingers found the scar on his left shoulder and traced the lines - some less faded than others - the wayward bullet had left behind before they moved to his chest. They didn't linger on the faint scars that told the story of one of the battles that John had fought in the past but neither did they ignore them. It was as if Sherlock wanted to explore his whole body by touch alone. His hands wandered over his stomach and tickled his sides until two fingers stroked between dark curls and hunger burned from deep within blue eyes as Sherlock's gaze met his.

"I want to do everything."

The words sent a shiver down John's spine but he still shook his head apologetically. "Sorry, but I fear we won't manage everything in one evening. But," he added when disappointment clouded over his lover's face. "I'm sure we will have enough nights and days to make up for that. I'm certainly up for anything, as long as it doesn't involve any kind of pain play."

At this point John held his breath. Not because he feared that Sherlock was in some extreme kinky stuff but rather because most of his former lovers had frowned at this or a similar statement from him. He could still remember the first boyfriend he had had after his transition who had stared at him like John had grown a second head.

"Certainly, you don't want to have anything up your vagina, right? You aren't a woman after all." 

As well-meant as this comment had been - and Marc had supported John even after they had split up - John had still bristled at it. He could decide himself what kind of sex he wanted to have without someone telling him that men weren't supposed to enjoy these practices.

Thankfully, Sherlock didn't even bate an eye at John's statement but only nodded enthusiastically and then smiled shyly up at him. "Could we... I want to taste you and I would also like..."

John smirked knowingly and moved around on top of his lover until he had found a position in which he could easily reach Sherlock's cock while his lover could pleasure him as well. The only downside was that John wouldn't get to watch Sherlock's face as he sucked him off.  
Next time, he assured himself before he took the thick length in hand and flickered his tongue over it for a first taste.

It was obvious that while Sherlock rarely slept and or eat while on a case, he still took good care of his bodily hygiene. John hummed approvingly as he licked a long strip from the base of his cock up to its head and teased the slit with his tongue. His efforts were rewarded with a drop of pre-come and a groan from his lover. John grinned to himself before a sound - half whimper, half moan - slipped from his own throat as Sherlock spread him open with his fingers and nipped at the soft flesh, right above his clitoris.

"Why do you call it a clitoris? Doesn't this sound too feminine? Don't you want to refer to it as your cock?"

John shoved the memory of some well-intended questions aside - he could refer to his genitals as he saw fit like other men did- and concentrated on the task at hand, literally. The head of the cock fitted perfectly into his mouth and John took it's time sucking on. He let some of his spit trickle down the hard length to use as lubricant before he closed his hand around it and started to stroke Sherlock's cock to add to the sensation. Nevermind, that he lost his rhythm more than once whenever Sherlock did something especially wicked with his tongue. Like right now... Oh God!

John barely managed not to nick the sensitive flesh in his mouth with his teeth when a long and slender finger pushed into him while a wet, hot tongue circled his clitoris with just the right pressure to make his toes curl in pleasure. He couldn't move - let alone suck Sherlock off without causing injury in the process - as more blood rushed between his legs and he felt himself getting closer to the edge with every lick and push of his lover. But it wasn't enough. Not yet. He needed more. A little more from everything that Sherlock was giving him to come. Still, he didn't know how to tell him while his whole being was focused on the building pleasure that wasn't enough... and yet at the same time almost felt like too much.

When the skilled tongue moved away from his most sensitive flesh, John almost screamed in frustration - the cock in his mouth be damned - but then instead groaned in pure bliss when said tongue pushed inside him and two slick fingers found his clitoris Yes, that definitely was it. The cock slipped free from John's mouth as he panted for breath. His inner muscles contracted as a powerful wave of pure pleasure washed over his body and tore a hoarse scream from his lips.

"Oh God!"

John had almost forgotten how good it felt. How satisfying it was to ride wave after wave of his orgasm until he was a shaking and boneless mess and collapsed on top of his lover. Thankfully Sherlock neither complained nor over stimulated him as John slowly came back to himself.

"Wow, Sherlock that was bloody amazing!"

He couldn't see the expression of his lover but John was certain that the brilliant genius was blushing. Next time they really needed to do it face to face or maybe... this time even. After all, he realised with a look at one still erect cock Sherlock hadn't come yet and John wasn't in the habit of letting his lovers go to sleep unsatisfied.

"John, not to ruin the mood but you are getting heavy."

Chuckling quietly John somehow - with a little help of his lover - managed to roll off Sherlock and moved around until he could meet his gaze.

"You were fantastic." The praise slipped from his lips once more and tinted sharp cheekbones in a faint pink. "Absolutely brilliant," John added just to intensify the blush and then sealed glistening lips in a deep kiss. The taste of himself in Sherlock's mouth was enough to send another thrill through his body and made heat pool between his legs again.

That was nice. More than nice, in fact. John sighed happily as he enjoyed the kiss and the low key arousal for a while before he decided that they both needed something more and reached for one boney shoulder. It took some pulling and wriggling around but in the end John got what he wanted. They rolled around, until Sherlock leaned over him and John - foreseeing the obvious question - nodded. "Yes, I want you to take me."

A tiny gasp escaped Sherlock's lips and his pupils dilated even further as he stared down at John. There were surprise and anticipation written all over his sharp features but John also noticed an underlining nervousness and he frowned slightly. Why, would Sherlock be nervous now? They had already spent plenty of time in bed and John had experienced a fantastic orgasm while it also appeared that his lover was enjoying himself. So what about his proposal made the otherwise over-confident detective uncomfortable?

"Maybe, he isn't sure where to put his cock so to speak." A nasty voice in his head reminded John of all the times when men either hadn't wanted to have vaginal sex with him or hadn't treated him like a man anymore afterwards. No wonder that he had exclusively dated women for a long time after all of his failed relationships with men during school and medical training. Still, John wasn't afraid that Sherlock would treat him any differently tomorrow but it appeared that his lover needed a push in the right direction.

Without hesitation John grabbed Sherlock's right hand and led it between his legs where his lover's fingers had already pushed into him before and where John was still wet and ready.  
"I want you to take me like this."

"Yes John, I am aware of that." Sherlock had the nerve to roll his eyes at him while one of his fingers pushed a few centimeters into him and tore a groan from John's throat. "If you had wanted to have anal sex then you would have asked for lube, already."

"Then why... Oh God..." John momentarily forgot what he had intended to say when Sherlock scissored two fingers inside him and more blood rushed southwards as his body throbbed with renewed lust.

"Sherlock, please." John moaned when his lover took his time teasing him to the edge with his skilled fingers. Any other time John would have loved to come like this - again - but tonight he wanted to be as close to Sherlock as possible - to feel his lover inside him - and the anticipation was slowly driving him mad.

"Patience." A sly smile turned well-kissed lips upwards as Sherlock reached for the drawer of his nightstand and fished a square packet out of it. Through a haze of lust John noted the slight tremble in Sherlock's hand as he rolled the condom down over his hard length. He almost found the words to ask if something was wrong but then Sherlock aligned their bodies and John forgot his questions as his lover pushed into him.

And God, it felt fantastic. John couldn't believe that they hadn't done this before - any of this - as his body stretched around Sherlock to allow him inside.

"Oh John!" Thousands of emotions washed over the expressive face of his lover as he moved his pelvis and pushed even deeper into John.

"Sherlock..." There was the question again on the tip of his tongue but either Sherlock didn't want to talk or he had perfect natural timing as he leaned forward to seal John's lips in a passionate kiss and started to thrust into him at the same time.

There was no finesse to it at first just wild and animalistic pounding while groaning and gasping into each other's mouths and... John loved it. He loved the feel of Sherlock going wild between his legs and how his usually aloof lover lost it completely when he was with John. He couldn't say how long they moved like this. How often exactly Sherlock thrust into him and John meet him with an upwards movement of his hips. How hard they clutched onto each other as the bed squeaked in protest at the harsh treatment. John only noticed when Sherlock brought a little space between their bodies and shifted his weight onto his right arm. He almost protested against the changed paced... almost.

"Oh holy fuck!"

Either Sherlock was a bloody marvel in bed or very good at guessing what John liked. The double stimulation of Sherlock rubbing his clitoris with his finger while also thrusting into him at a new angle was too much. Too much to experience without losing it and John felt himself tumbling over the edge when his lover pushed especially deeply into him.

He was gasping and panting as he held onto Sherlock for dear life while his lover thrust into him and John shuddered through yet another wave of lust even as a part of his mind pointed out to him that it would soon be too much. And that Sherlock needed to stop or change positions if John didn't want the pleasure to turn into pain. He was about to gather his wits about him and tell his lover when Sherlock thrust one more time into him and then went completely still. His mouth formed a perfect "O" as he came into him and John stared his fill as Sherlock came apart before his eyes. It was a sight, John would cherish and hold close to his heart until his last day on this earth.

"John." Sherlock's voice was a hoarse whisper as he collapsed half on top of him and nuzzled at his neck. "John, this was... fantastic."

"Yes," John agreed simply and pressed a kiss to Sherlock's sweaty forehead as he held him close.

They would have fallen asleep like this if necessity hadn't forced them apart. Sherlock made short work of the condom - John hoped he had knotted it before throwing it on the floor - and then grabbed tissues for both of them from the nightstand.

Still sweaty but at least partly cleaned up they snuggled back under the covers and John smiled fondly when Sherlock cuddled close to him. "This was the first time."

John blinked down at the head of wild curls. "Of course, this was our first time together."

"No... I mean yes." A nervous laugh fell from Sherlock's lips. "You are right but... I mean for me. It was the first time that I was... inside someone."

John didn't need to be a genius to know that Sherlock was blushing furiously at this confession as he hide his face against John's shoulder. In a way he understood why his lover was embarrassed - a look at their society and what was expected of men cleared that up - but at the same time he didn't see why it should matter. Only insofar as that John now knew why Sherlock had been so nervous at first. It somehow put his mind at ease that it had nothing whatsoever to do with his body.

"God forbid I have to prepare myself for even more awesome lovemaking in the future because," John murmured quietly when Sherlock peeked up at him. "You were bloody fantastic tonight and if this was only your first time on top then I don't know how long I will survive."

The body against his relaxed notable and John smiled when his lover breathed a gentle kiss to his cheek. "We can switch if one of us is in danger of passing out from one position. Also, there are a lot of things I have always wanted to try but..."

John interrupted Sherlock's rambling with a deep kiss and then sank back down into the pillows. "Later. I need to sleep for a few hours before I'm ready for another round."

"Fine."

John chuckled quietly and couldn't help pressing another kiss to Sherlock's sinful lips before he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep in his lover's arms for the first of many times.


End file.
